Speaker 1: 0:12

My guest this episode is a beautiful young woman. She just is in her 40s with a couple of kids and found herself divorced. Thanks for joining us today.

Speaker 2: 0:23

Thanks for having me, it's my pleasure.

Speaker 1: 0:25

Leaving your name out to be a little bit more anonymous, but I really wanted to talk to you. I saw you on TikTok Gorgeous, gorgeous woman. She has beautiful freckles on her face, beautiful face, beautiful hair and cleavage to die for. So she's a beautiful woman and I wanted to do something a little bit different this episode. A lot of our stuff focuses on professional people and dealing with sex and sexuality, but I also wanted to touch on everyday people, and one of the things I liked about her story was that she is a woman, a gorgeous woman, with a couple of kids, and now finds herself divorced and entering into a world of dating, and she posts on TikTok some of her dating experiences and they've been relatively good, but not all great and so I found her story to be very interesting. Tell us a little bit about your marriage. When you were married, what was that like?

Speaker 2: 1:20

So I got married, young, married my first boyfriend, Like we started dating in high school and so we were together. We were married 13 years but had been together 17. And so I really didn't know, I didn't know a lot. 17. And so I really didn't know, I didn't know a lot. And so he was.

Speaker 2: 1:41

As far as things between us, like sexually, it was boring, but I wouldn't say we still had a very active sex life, Him more than me. I mean he was sleeping with everybody, but it was fine. You don't know what you don't know. And so now, having had other experiences, yes, it wasn't very good. You don't know what you don't know, so it was fine.

Speaker 2: 2:11

He was just really not around a lot. I mean he it it took me a long time to figure out, but like he lived his life, like he was a single person but had a wife and kids at home and I didn't realize, like, how controlling and critical of me he was until after he kind of left Because and I don't am I controlling I mean like he would, he owned his own business and stuff and I also work, but it was I don't have to work in the summer, and so like he would be gone for like 15 hours a day and like say he was working and I I don't know what he was doing, but and so it was, I was just alone a lot and actually like very lonely in my marriage because it was just not, it wasn't a partnership. It was like I he wanted like my, my status. He wanted, he wanted me as a, a wife, but he also wanted girlfriends on the side which I didn't know about, obviously, uh, and so it was like he liked me as like his trophy wife.

Speaker 2: 3:30

And I don't want to say I'm a trophy wife, but like I'll say you're a trophy wife but like as his good girl wife that had the kids and like, had the degrees and was just could kind of show me off as like in the community but then never wanted to do it just wasn't fun, it wasn't. He didn't see me as, and since we'd been together, since we were so young, like I was an athlete in college and so I was always an athlete and so I worked out a ton Like I was very fit and when, after having kids I had, I was pregnant four times in three years and that just took a toll on my body and so like his comments would be things like are you going to get back in shape? Are you going to do this? And it was like you know, I'm not 20 anymore and I don't work out four hours a day. Like no, I'm not going to look like that anymore. Four hours a day, like no, I'm not going to look like that anymore.

Speaker 2: 4:40

And so those kinds of things just made it like really did a lot to like damage my own confidence in how I looked. And um, he like the things that I think initially attracted him to me then as we got further on in our, in our marriage, he was super critical of. So I kind of lost myself a little bit and since getting divorced I've rediscovered myself and I'm just so much happier and it was really like I wouldn't ever recommend going through a divorce. It's awful, but coming out on the other side is like I'm just so much happier, so it's good.

Speaker 1: 5:21

Now 17 years is relatively a long time for a lot of people. I look back 17 years ago. What dating might've been like back then, when you guys first started dating till now, what is that? What was that kind of experience coming out of that? I'm sure there might've been like a little bit of a lull in between, or maybe there wasn't, but in between the separation and realizing now it's okay for you to date others, what was that like?

Speaker 1: 5:46

Entering the world, because we live in a very sexualized world these days. I mean it's not uncommon. I mean it used to be. You had to be secretive and you know to send a dirty picture as a Polaroid that you know snuck around or kept in your wallet. But now, if you know a girlfriend says I have an OnlyFans page, most people's reactions would be, oh cool, you know, can I look? And it's not that shocking thing anymore. We live in a very sexually open where people are posting on Reddit. People are posting. You know the girls on TikTok are all wearing skimpy things. What was that like being locked down in a marriage and coming out of that and seeing what the world was like in a sexual way?

Speaker 2: 6:33

So it was obviously like when I got married. I got married in 2008. And, um, so, when, like, online dating was something that, like, old people did like when, when I was getting you know, it wasn't like as it, like it's the norm now and so that, and just like the amount of having like Snapchat and texting like prior to. So when, after my ex-husband left, I didn't date, didn't see anyone for it was a little more than a year Cause I just needed to like heal and get yeah and get myself into a good place, and and I, when I started dating, like I thought I was ready but I wasn't looking. When I first started dating, I was on like dating apps. I did like Hinge and Bumble and I actually never have done Tinder, but I've done on the dating apps. I live in like a relatively small town and my position is pretty public and so a lot of people in my community know me, and so I was not looking really to date anyone locally and I would say that, like, initially, I wasn't even really looking for a real relationship Like it's like I wanted to be courted, I wanted to be taken out, I wanted like just a positive male attention because things had been so negative with my ex-husband he was just so highly critical of me that it was really. It was a big confidence boost for me when I started going on dating apps and it's like, wow, hundreds of people are liking me and want to talk to me, and so that did a lot to like help heal some of those confidence wounds that I'd had. But then you also like kind of start to learn that, uh, some of these, like some of these guys, never have an intention of actually ever meeting you and they just like like getting my attention and so that ends up being just a waste of time and I now, um, can kind of filter through that. And it's also funny because it seems like I go on a lot of third dates. And then it's like that's when I realize, as a mom, that it's not as easy as dating a woman without kids, because I come with extra kids, because I come with extra like it's and there's always going to be other people that are needing my attention, needing my time, my money and and they're gonna come first, and so with with that, it makes it a little bit harder.

Speaker 2: 9:31

But initially, when I started dating, I, um, I kept it really separate, like I didn't want to be seen as a mother, like I didn't talk about my kids, like I didn't I I mean I acknowledged that I had them, but it was like it was a hard line and because I really at the time wasn't looking for a forever partner. And now, like I'm further along and I'm open to being in a I would eventually like to be in a long-term, like committed relationship, monogamous relationship, and so now, like talking about my kids is something that I do more of. But so, since I've been dating probably for like the last three years and only one guy that I've ever dated has met my kids, so it's and I know, and everyone does things differently, but I just I have a shared custody situation. So it's most of the time, like if I'm dating someone or seeing someone, I just see them on my off week and then on the week when I have my kids, like we'll text or talk on the phone, but I just don't bring them around because it's a way to like protect my kids, like I don't want them to get attached to someone when, or like if I'm trying to figure out if I like someone and then adding that dynamic, it just makes it. It makes it harder and especially in the in the current dating world, it'll be like I'll mention a guy, like to my friends or something, and I'll be like, oh, I'm like. And then a week later it's like how's Chad? And I'm like, who? Like, oh, yeah, that guy. No, he's gone.

Speaker 2: 11:13

Like I mean it just that's one of the things with dating is like it's so quick, like you'll be talking to someone and you'll maybe be talking every day and then all of a sudden they just drop off the face of the earth and it's like okay, what happened? Or the other thing that's interesting too is it's and I think it's funny because as far as like having sex, like the lengths that some guys will go to, and then it's like they have sex with you once and they're just like okay, that's what they wanted, and they're they're gone. And it's just so funny to me because I would like if I wanted to have sex and given I know the dynamics different for men and women, but it's like if I wanted to have sex, like I could just call someone, like that I know, and they would probably come over in an hour. You know, I mean, and I know that's not the same dynamic for men and women. Um, but it just I never understand that because I'm like, really like, why bother?

Speaker 1: 12:07

but I don't know, that's just my own as someone that has dated women that have been mothers, it is a difficult dynamic, even even for the guy, because not only do you have to fall for the woman, but you end up falling for the kids and you start, you know, enjoying their birthdays or doing you know doing little things, and then, if the breakup happens, you've not only lost the woman but you've lost the kids, and as kids go, it's confusing for the kids to have different people come, because they don't understand why. You know, this great guy comes in one week and then he's gone two weeks later and you never see him again, and so it's a tough thing for them to kind of process.

Speaker 2: 12:52

Like I know. So the last guy I dated he was in the town where I live when we met, but he moved for work and we did like the distance thing and we're kind of on off again for maybe a year and a half, two years, but it was. It was more kind of open, like I don't know. I like we were both kind of seeing other people as well and so when, like kind of when that basically was a situation chip, so when that ended, um, my kids didn't really have any closure, cause it was. It was like well, what happened? And it's like, well, I'm not going to have them call him and like you know it and so it to get the closure for them.

Speaker 2: 13:40

Um, that's a lot harder and it's obviously I'm not going to get into it with children about, like, why I'm no longer seeing a guy. That's always a uh challenging and and that's also part of the reason why I like and I've actually stopped seeing guys if they're really pushy about wanting to meet my kids, like to me that's a red flag that I it's like no, like I'll introduce you to them when I'm ready.

Speaker 1: 14:06

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 14:08

And not just because you want to Like. That's not a thing that I find attractive at all and I would never, on the same token, would never push to meet someone's kids before they were ready. You know, it's just. It's a delicate dynamic, I guess.

Speaker 1: 14:31

I think everyone is different in how they approach that. No, that makes sense. So you started dating again, um, and I. I don't want to imply that you're sexual with everyone, but you did start having sex again and I I'm, you know, again, not judging or anything like that, it's just you're an adult female. What was that like going from? Yeah, you had sex with your husband. Yeah, it was kind of there, but it wasn't anything unique or special. So then now having sex again with different people, what was that experience like? Was it pretty much just a sex is normal? Was there anything that kind of opened your eyes or was noticeable to you that you discovered new kinks? Was there anything different about that for you personally?

Speaker 2: 15:19

Yes. So my ex-husband was like never like really into oral or doing like. I mean, he was into me giving him oral, but not so much reciprocating. So like being with a man who, like, just loves to eat pussy is like it's so fantastic. Like the same with a guy, if you're like with a woman who likes to suck dick, like it's a different experience than someone who doesn't want to do it.

Speaker 2: 15:46

So those things and I in my day-to-day life have to have be in charge of so much and organize so much and um. So I found that I really like a man who will take control, that like tells me what to do. I guess it would be more of like the, the, the Dom sub type situation, like I and that was never something that was ever explored in my marriage, but since having been dating and having realizing the type of man that I want, it's like I want a man who's going to be an assertive, dominant male person that is going to like you know, take the lead, you know just tell me what to do and like tell me I'm a good girl and all those things Like I. Just I really liked that. That was, that was a new thing that I've, that I've learned about. It's a lot of fun.

Speaker 1: 16:48

We're seeing I mean, I've seen that a lot lately especially you know you're a single mom, so you're, you're the one in charge and you don't have well, you don't feel like you have someone that you can rely on as like a, a partner that can back you up or take the load when you know you're too tired. So you're always in mom mode and then they go to work and they're in you know work mode where they're the one in charge or taking all the responsibilities. And so I think a lot of women are discovering kind of a sub, kind of routine to be enjoyable in almost a fantasy sense, that it's something for them to explore because they are in charge so much that to surrender that takes a load off of them and it opens up that door to that kink or that fantasy.

Speaker 2: 17:38

And I think we're seeing more of that lately, not in a you know degrading way, necessarily, but in a way to kind of feel like you don't have to be in control anymore and to give that up is kind of a weightlifting thing that you're the way it's been lifted off your shoulders one, it's just one, one more decision I don't have to make and it's like, yeah, it it's generally like when, when the men that I've been with that have been that type of guy, it just like falls so naturally into that dynamic and it, I think, helps to build some trust between us, because it's like I'm trusting them to tell, to tell them what to do, and so it creates that dynamic inside the bedroom that then you can take into your relationship outside now, one of the things that you do is you do post on TikTok, and male perspective and female perspective is often very different in how they view people.

Speaker 1: 18:47

I think your TikToks, for the most part, are not intended to be sexual, but yet in many ways I can see ways that they are for men. Your TikTok is a mom TikTok. I don't want to create any illusion that you're. You're creating anything dirty. There's nothing flirtatious or anything suggestive in it, but yet you're a busty, beautiful, freckly woman and those become quite noticeable. And again, again, I don't mean to to say that that it's done intentionally, necessarily, but for someone flipping through tiktok, you definitely caught my eye, um, and then I realized, oh, she's, you know, not the the bad girl I thought she was, but is the? How is your reaction? Because we live in a day and age now where, like I said, you know, for someone to say I have an only fans page is not a big deal.

Speaker 1: 19:45

We've gotten so used to women sending nudes that it's it's not inappropriate. Well, I mean it is inappropriate, but we've stopped caring that. It's inappropriate to say, hey, can I see you naked? You know, let's see those tits. How has that been reaction? Because you didn't set up your tick tock to be flirty or to be revealing or anything like that. But you, you have large breasts. It's hard to hide that or say, you know, ignore the cleavage. It's not there. But yet for a guy just flipping through, he's gonna go, wow, she's gorgeous. And look at that rack. How do you navigate with that, with the feedback that you get? You just tune it out. Is some of it kind of deep down appreciated or like I've been needing to feel this way for a while, even though it wasn't intentional?

Speaker 2: 20:34

I get lots of dms and for the most part I ignore them because it's just whatever. But like I appreciate it. It's always funny because it's like I'll get hundreds of like positive things and then I'll get one person who says something negative and that's you know. It's always like I'm like oh, like that's the one that I remember and instead of and it's just funny like I think my legs are more noticeable than my boobs, but I guess not no, no, no, I couldn't even tell you.

Speaker 1: 21:06

I didn't even know you had legs until you just mentioned them well, I guess you know, I guess it comes with the territory.

Speaker 2: 21:14

No, for the most part, it's been like really a good experience for me. Uh, there was some. I've had some things come up with, like at work where, or like my, my mom's friends or something, who will come across some of my stuff and like be judgy about it, but it's, I mean I really don't care. It's again, it's like I'm not naked, like I might be dancing in my kitchen, but whatever, like I mean I just I do it for myself and I do it, I do it for fun. Like I started doing TikToks because, prior to my divorce, I had never spent more than like three days away from my kids and now, all of a sudden, I wouldn't see them for a week at a time and it was really difficult for me, and so it was like I kind of needed something to fill the time. And it was something I just started doing because it was fun and I could talk about whatever was going on in my life, like a lot of it's you know they talk about like curating your TikTok and having it be like a niche or something, and mine is definitely like all over the place, but it was just, it was a way for me to kind of um, put out some of my creative energy and have fun and stay busy when, as I was adjusting to like my new reality and um.

Speaker 2: 22:43

So that was why I started doing it and I have had a lot of fun with it and it's and it has like helped improve my own self-confidence and like body image, because growing up it was always, I mean, I'm really tall, I'm not. I mean I'm not really tall, but I'm 5'10", so I was never like a small girl. So it's been really nice to just get so much positive feedback. And like, talking about dating, it's like when I'm out and about, like no one approaches me, like I I never get like asked on dates Well, I not never, but I've been asked out like once or twice by a guy that I met, like at a restaurant or at a bar or whatever. But in general, like men don approach me and I don't think I give off bitch face or something. Yeah, so it's nice to know that there are men out there that think I'm attractive. I mean I think I'm pretty, but it's nice to have that confirmed.

Speaker 1: 23:54

So do you enjoy the sexual of like the comments that are sexual? What you said you had some negative comments. Are those more about body image or what? When you say the, the negative, bad comments, is it sexual? Is it looks? Where do they? Where do they?

Speaker 2: 24:11

I mean, you don't have to go too deep into it, but it.

Speaker 2: 24:14

Well, it'll be like that I'm being overly sexual, or like, aren't you embarrassed to be saying this kind of stuff, or, um, doing this. And it's like, no, I'm not embarrassed, like if I was embarrassed I wouldn't do it. And it's like I also don't take myself so seriously that it's like I can poke fun at myself and I'm gonna be the first one to do that. And so you know, like I, you get comments about, like the way my stomach looks, or you know, if I were you, I wouldn't wear that or things like that. And it's like, well, then you don't wear it. So no, for the most part, though, I mean, those comments are so few and far between, and the vast majority of things people say are just complimentary.

Speaker 1: 25:01

So now, just playing devil's advocate, you do kind of do a. This is today's fit. You know what do you think Kind of, does some of the comments open up to that because you are kind of showing off today's like if you were to wear something and I thought, oh, it just doesn't? Or is it more deeply rooted in kind of just trying to be negative?

Speaker 2: 25:25

no, I mean most of the time when I do, like outfits that I'm wearing or whatever. And again, like it's interesting because I'll especially since I've started talking about dating and my experiences on the apps and stuff, I've gotten a lot more male followers, so most of the guys don't say negative things to me. If anything, it would be other women, but I'm really like a girl's girl, so I just wouldn't, you know, it's um, I would. I just kind of take it with a grain of salt and or grain of sand and just try to not let it bug me. But like I, I like to get dressed up, I like to get myself put together, so it's it's fun for me to put out like this is what I'm wearing today, and so no, I mean, for the most part it's it's fun for me to put out like this is what I'm wearing today, and so no, I mean, for the most part it's just fun and I don't really care either way.

Speaker 1: 26:32

Like if it because I'm not doing it for the likes or I'm just doing it because it's fun. And I know, like I said, I never got the impression that you were using your tiktok as a sexual means. It's very much a mom tiktok. Uh, you just have I.

Speaker 1: 26:42

I don't get the impression that you try something on and go well, this doesn't show enough cleavage, let's put on something else. It just happens to be that that's your body and, as a male flipping through, like I said, it caught my eye and so, right or wrong, that's what got me following. You was not that you're, you know, dating or anything like that, but she just has a gorgeous face, gorgeous hair, the freckles and then the tits. Like I said, I didn't even realize you had legs until you mentioned it. Um, but those are it's. Again, I don't want to make it sound like you have this sexual tiktok where you're just flaunting everything, but I do think it is interpreted by males looking through going wow, she's worth following and checking out. And so the comments, when you didn't have that sexual response with marriage, how are you taking those? Are they enjoyable to you? Are they just kind of?

Speaker 2: 27:40

do they get old fast, are they not that you take anyone up on their offer, but is it something that you kind of quietly enjoy seeing those things that the men say yeah, I mean yeah, obviously, it's like I, I like the idea of of people being attracted to me and I know like so my, a lot of when, when men learn my profession, it definitely I always get comments, um, because I'm a librarian and so I get that's that. Those are the comments that get old, where it's like, oh, my gosh, the sexy librarian. Where it's like, oh, my gosh, the sexy librarian. It's like yeah, yeah, yep, yep, I know like um, but so that, and I like if when I get go to work, I wear dresses and heels and I like I definitely play into my femininity in the way I dress, so that that does get attention, because a lot of the other people I work with like you wouldn't know if they were going to the gym, going to work, like no one's going to be confused when I show up for the workday, if I'm headed to the gym, like it's and so that's. But that's also just part of who I am and it's what I like to do, so that's just yeah, it's just the kind of woman that I am and I like to be feminine and I like to look feminine and I like to do my hair and I like to made a video and I was making kind of a joke about how maybe I should post on dating apps like just house projects that I need done, and then for the date they could come over and like fix whatever I needed fixed and then I would make them dinner, like that was the joke. That was the joke. I wasn't actually being serious.

Speaker 2: 29:40

But I had tons of comments from men that were just like, why would we do that? Blah, blah, blah. All you women just want a free meal. And I was like, oh, that's not what I meant. I was just like I just want a man who acts like a man. And this guy, this guy was like how would you feel if I, if I told you to act like a woman? And I'm like I was like you wouldn't, because I do like. It's just like that's.

Speaker 2: 30:03

And that's one thing that's been hard with dating and again, being a mom and coming with kids, like the men that want to step up and, um, like, you're taking on a lot and like, and so it takes a special kind of man that is really comfortable in his manhood to to take on that role. So I, I haven't found that guy yet, but um, there's, that's just, it's just funny. Like you, I get all these I'm just going to say the like beta men that are like, oh, you just want, you just want a free meal, and I'm like, okay, all you have to do is like put on a shirt, like if I'm getting ready for a date, it takes me like at least an hour and a half and it's and it's like you know, if I like I want, I want to be pursued, like I want, like I'm the prize, and it seems like a lot of men are like not looking for like what, like what can I do to what can I do? I'm not, I'm not trying to sound like I'm like a gold digger or something, because I'm not, like I'm very much with like a partner, just like, instead of asking like what, what I bring to the table, it's like I, I like, I just don't. I don't understand that question. It's like what do you bring to the table?

Speaker 2: 31:32

And it's like I'm like anything that a man, any, any partner that comes like I'm just going to multiply what they have. Like you, you bring things in and I'm like you have a house, like I can make it a home Like you have, and I and I'm very much like in the role of supporting, like if I was with a guy that's like I want to sell hot dogs, I'd be like, okay, I'll put the mustard on, I'm going to be supportive, but you got to be in that role of being a leader. They're so used to getting immediate sexual gratification. It's like, why bother? Like, why bother courting this woman, dating this woman, when, like, I can just go home and jerk off and that's way easier. Sure.

Speaker 1: 32:33

And I think some of what you're saying kind of stems down to the submissive role that you talked about, how you're a mom 24-7. Even when you don't have the kids, I'm still thinking that you're dealing with kid stuff, even if you don't have the kids for that week. For your job, you're dealing with all kinds of things where you're in charge and dealing with this, all kinds of. So I think some of it is an extension of that submissive part where you're, like you know I've I've put in the work. I'm just looking for someone to kind of appreciate me for being me and that sometimes might be interpreted as gold digging versus I'm exhausted.

Speaker 1: 33:14

I want to feel appreciated for all the work that I've done that hasn't gotten noticed and that I would continue to do if I found the right partner. I just want to be appreciated. Yeah, and I think that's being interpreted differently from men to women, that some might feel it as being gold digger-ish, whereas you're seeing it as you know, I have put in the work. I have kids to prove that I've put in the work. I'm a good mom, I'm a hard worker, but I need to feel, after years of not feeling appreciated, I want to feel sought after. I want to feel like I am someone's porn, that I am someone that's worth being aroused and excited for being aroused and excited for.

Speaker 2: 33:58

Yeah, and it's also like In most situations, if I'm dating someone, even if it's like, oh, I'm not really in the mood right now, it's like if you, and as the guy, if you like start loving on me, kissing me, doing whatever, like that will change real quick and like I think that's some things that sometimes and a lot of guys, I think, especially with some of the things that have happened and like and consent stuff and all these things are a little reluctant or nervous because they don't want a woman to turn around and claim that things were not consensual or whatever and it's.

Speaker 2: 34:43

And so it's just a really hard like dynamic to navigate. And again, like you were talking about, like I mean, I I read a lot and I read a lot of um smut and and uh, like even like the characters in those books, like they're um men that are so dominant. So, yeah, if guys need like a cheat code, like just go, just go pick up some of the the smut that your girlfriend's reading and you're gonna gonna get clued in check out the beauty series.

Speaker 1: 35:13

It's a book written by ann Rice Way better than Fifty Shades, so if you're into that kind of stuff, that's something to check out. The Beauty used to be a trilogy, but then she added a book, so that's another great place to learn about domination, and that's all.

Speaker 2: 35:28

I'm going to. Yeah, I just read one called Caught Up and there was like there were fetish things that I didn't like a mask fetish, didn't know about that, so that was like new to. But the book was like, I mean, pretty much a crime from start to finish, but it was pretty spicy and fun to read. So I mean, like those types of things it's like, yeah, like where are those guys?

Speaker 2: 35:54

I mean not obviously like huge tattooed men breaking into your house wearing a mask but, like the, just the, the, the dominant male role, I guess, is, um, it's really attractive to me and it's really hard to in dating apps. Like I was just on vacation and so I opened some of the dating apps while I was in larger cities and now it's just, it's overwhelming because it's like I looked at it today and it's like you have 2,800 new likes and it's just like, it's just like it's I. How, how do you sift through that? Like, how do I know who would actually be a good match?

Speaker 2: 36:37

And I realize, like dating apps are very much visual and, um, you're like, oh, she's cute, like yep, swipe right, or he's hot, swipe right. Like I, I'm gonna admit, like I don't, I don't read the bios very closely and and it's I, I just pretty much go off like, oh, he looks, he looks cute, yeah, so it's almost like a full-time job. And so sometimes I'll just hand my phone to like if one of my girlfriends is over, and I'll be like here, just swipe for a while.

Speaker 2: 37:07

Like I can't do this. But then it'll be like people will come up and I'm like who liked this guy?

Speaker 1: 37:13

So how do you separate? Because it almost seems like you have two different needs come up and I'm like, who liked this guy? So how do you separate? Because you, it almost seems like you have two different needs. One is the sexual one, and not to make you sound like you're just looking for sex, but there is an element to what you've been saying, that is, I'm a busy mom, I have kids, I have a job, I have needs, and so you like that dominant aspect. But there's also the part of you that's looking for the real relationship and I've found, because of my own past in one or the other, it's hard to be both at the same time. How do you find that balance in looking for men, or are you able to?

Speaker 2: 37:57

um, well, so in the in the past I would kind of jump in both feet into the uh, if I was attached to him like, didn't waste a lot of time. It's like I want to know if this is going to be good or not and so. But sometimes then, when it is good, it kind of causes me to look past a lot of things that maybe if we hadn't gotten physical so quickly that I I would have been like, oh, that's concerning, or you know, um, so I, we joke and call it getting digmatized, my girlfriends and I would talk about it. It's like, don't, my girlfriends and I talk about it.

Speaker 2: 38:39

It's like don't, don't, don't see, um, don't see some of the things that are like oh, maybe that isn't a great partner, sure, but, but, like, but they're so good and bad, like, it's okay, like.

Speaker 1: 38:48

I mean, you're a consenting adult and there's. You know, there's nothing wrong with that.

Speaker 2: 38:55

And so lately I've been trying to go a little bit slower and so I don't know. I mean it's fine, like whatever it's fine.

Speaker 1: 39:11

So you went from having a partner sleeping in the same bed regularly to being by yourself. Has things like masturbation changed for you? Are you finding yourself needing to pleasure yourself more? Are you getting the? I don't know what to say. Is the books enough or do you find yourself like what? Do you have a favorite toy? What's your?

Speaker 2: 39:39

escape sexually. So I mean, it's kind of like cooking, like yep, I can do it for myself, but I really like when someone else does it for me. But so when, like, if I'm horny or want to get off or whatever, I do have, I do have, I do have toys and like all of them I've purchased. Since I got divorced, like when I was married, I never had any of that stuff and now it's like these are tools that are a lot of fun when you add them and so kind of missed out there. But I really like, uh, the rose. I have that one's more like a clit stimulation great, that one's great, those great things a lot. Otherwise, I have just, you know, like the like the pocket kind of size, vibrate. I don't know what they're called, you know it's pink, it has like a ball on the end, like that one. That one is is more fun with, like when I'm with someone, so that. But, um, definitely like if I'm by myself, the the rose is very effective and gets things done in a in a relatively quick like cause, again, I don't have tons of time, so it, yeah, I can, I can take care of myself in 20 minutes and it's and it's good.

Speaker 2: 40:58

I mean, I've never been like a avid porn watcher or anything like that. So if I am masturbating, I'm normally like pulling off of things that have actually happened to me or remembering experiences that I have had, and so that's. But this is what I do and it's. It's not that I'm judging anyone who who does. It's just, it's just not something I've ever done, I guess, and I'd probably say, um, I grew up with fairly strict parents and so it was like that was really frowned upon, like that's bad and and and. As a mom like I obviously don't want my children to be promiscuous, but, um, I, I'm not going to come with the same energy that I had growing up, where it's like no sex until you're married, because one, it's not realistic and it's like two, it's I don't. I don't want my own kids to be in a relationship that's unfulfilling because they don't know better.

Speaker 1: 42:09

And going back to I think you said you got married in 2009, 2008,. Even going back to sexuality, is, I mean, just how we perceive and view sexuality has changed so much that it's a whole different world out there.

Speaker 2: 42:27

Well, and like I mean as far as like don't want to be whatever, but like eating ass, like no one was eating ass in 2008. They were like I didn't know about it anyway and it's like, no, it's so common and it's like something people ask about. They're like do you like it? Do you do it? Like I mean it's a super common question that I get asked on, like dating apps and stuff like that, where never, never would have occurred to me to ask someone that when I was dating, like in college or high school, you know, it just wasn't. I don't know. I'm sure people were doing it, but it just wasn't something that I knew about. It wasn't as mainstream, I guess, as it is now where you. They talk about it in songs and it's a common topic or like just I think now it's like if in 2008, if you wanted to get sex toys, you went to like the dirty bookstore or um made sure no one was watching.

Speaker 2: 43:28

You come in another and suburban yeah, now you can get vibrators at target, like I mean so it's, or you can order whatever you want online, like that.

Speaker 2: 43:39

And so I think the availability too has changed things and especially like with the advent of, obviously, internet and all of the different things, like people are learning about things that they never even knew were available or existed, like it's, or like have a name for it, I guess you could say, like for what they're attracted to or whatever. So those things have changed a lot since, like when I was in college, it was just, I mean pretty, pretty normal, like it was like pretty, pretty wild. If you're doing like reverse cowgirl, you know, and now and now that's just not, um, not the case, and um, and I mean like video calling wasn't really, I mean there was, you could FaceTime and stuff in 2000. No Well, yeah, you could FaceTime, but like just even like video calling. So now doing if you're doing like a long distance type relationship, like you can at least see each other and still kind of have a sexual dynamic, um, even though you're not in the same town or city. So those things are big changes from back in the early 2000s.

Speaker 1: 45:01

Yeah, so wrapping things up and again, I'm thankful that you came on. It's very nice talking to you. Like I said, you're a gorgeous woman. Gorgeous cleavage that's odd. Gorgeous cleavage that's odd. The freckled cleavage to face to hair combo is just. I'm surprised more people aren't hitting on her Again. Her TikTok isn't sexual but it perks you up, wrapping things up and I appreciate you coming on. You're, I think you said five years kind of removed from the separation. What advice would you have to someone that is just kind of emerging from divorce? What does her future sexually look like? Dating look like? What is your guidance that you would give to her that she's about to face, because I think it's a much more sexualized world. Dating is very different than it was, you know, 5, 10, 15 years ago. What advice would you give?

Speaker 2: 46:05

Well, just giving yourself some grace, like it's okay not to know, and giving yourself time. Like when I first started dating, I was like I'm ready, I'm fine, and I wasn't ready. And so giving yourself some time and some grace and just realizing, especially if you've gone through a divorce like and like with mine in my case, with, like infidelity and stuff, there was a lot of like really deep wounds, that that happened to me, wounds that that happened to me, and so just giving myself like the space and time to heal. And now, like when I was married, I had been with my ex-husband like when I was super fit in my 20s no kids, like no stretch marks and now, like that that's not and, but I'm a lot more accepting now of of my body and it's like when, if I'm going to be intimate with a man, it's like I don't have the hangups like that because my ex-husband would make comments about like your stomach and like this and that. And like now, like men that I'm dating, they only know me now Like don't, they don't know what I looked like when I was a collegiate athlete, like they and and so it's I.

Speaker 2: 47:21

I've definitely become a lot more accepting and so just accepting yourself, like and allowing yourself to be who you are and like, show that like I I really am trying really hard to be genuine with people because it's like I, I want something real and um, so, just accepting that and like realizing like this is the only body I have and and I'm gonna, I'm gonna use it and I'm gonna celebrate, celebrate it and it's, it's a lot of fun. Like and and especially like men, like as I've, as I've gotten older, are just way more accepting, or new men I've dated because I have, I have had a few of, like cougar type experiences. I guess that they're just like men are like super accepting of my body and like they're like, yeah, the stretch marks are sexy and I'm like, okay, you're crazy, but thank you, you know. So, um, advice that I would give would just be um, give yourself some grace and like I'm now, I'm not afraid to ask for what I want. And if someone doesn't want that, like, okay, that's fine, like, good luck, see you later.

Speaker 2: 48:46

Like, just and being upfront. I mean, obviously, like I'm a first date, I'm not like demanding these things or like laying out my whole, but it's, it's like this, this is what I want, these are my goals and if it doesn't align, like why would we waste our time? And so just some of those things are things that I've taken away. Um, and, and the funny thing is is like I'm alone, but I'm not lonely, and so I just I'm really comfortable in my own skin and in my life, like I'm happy, and so it's just a different energy. I think I'm coming into dating with where I'm not like I'm good, like I'm I'm content and I just want, I want to add to someone's life and I want them to add to mine. You know, it's like I don't need drama and I don't want like crazy anything Like it's just I just want to add and have, and so those we'll see.

Speaker 2: 49:53

I mean maybe, but I guess that's not really advice, but I mean, but my advice would just kind of be be patient with yourself, like give yourself some grace and then yeah, and be clear, like on your boundaries and stuff, and if something doesn't work, like say that, be like. You know, know, that's not really what I'm thinking, or this is what I'm thinking. And again, communication is so important and I can be a little guilty of like if someone asks me something that I don't want to answer. I just like pretend I didn't hear it or see it or whatever, like ignore, ignore it, and I know that's not like healthy communication, but it. Or else I'll just say, hey, like I need to think about that for a while, like I'll get back to you, and so that's the I just have taken with dating.

Speaker 2: 50:47

Like I treat the men that I'm talking to or men I'm dating like how I would want them to treat me, especially if, like, they're not interested in me more. Like then just tell me, like I'm not, you're not gonna. Like I mean, I might cry about it, it depends, but it's like then I know and I do the same thing where, if it's like a guy that I'm not interested in, I'm just like you know, I don't think this is going to work. It's not you, it's me, but I try not. I don't ghost people. I treat someone how I would want to be treated, and so I have the difficult conversation and say you know, you're great, you're just not great for me, and that's fine and that, I think, is just more respectful to everyone involved.

Speaker 1: 51:38

So it makes sense. Well, thank you so much for taking time out of your schedule. Like I said, I know this is a little bit more of a vanilla episode, but I wanted to kind of share all different dynamics of things, and so I think you do fit and I appreciate you coming on.

Speaker 2: 51:54

Yeah, it was my pleasure.